The following is a journal entry I wrote while in Madrid, Spain. The entry was originally written in Spanish. I translated it into English a few months ago. While translating it I remained as close to the original Spanish entry’s meaning and punctuation as possible. Some parts sound a bit strange in English, and might be difficult to comprehend. After translating this entry, I stored it on my laptop along with other journal entries from my time in Madrid. More will be posted at a later point.
20 Nov 2013
I can’t sleep– this diary waits for me, I need to write something so:
In these last days in Madrid a dog has awoken me with its bark. Maybe it’s new to the neighborhood.
And yesterday (19 Nov 2013), a few hours ago, a girl was speaking about long hair and her mother told her to not point. She was pointing at me. She thinks my hair is long– and yes my hair has grown. It was longer two years ago but it’s growing again. I don’t think a lot about the way that my body/I has/is/am changing– my sight is worsening. My back hurts from all the sitting in weird positions. My teeth have cavities. My body is beginning to feel the weight of my years. Of my 20 years. It is over 2 in the morning and I think about this. I have always known that my body is temporary–that my life is, but here I feel it more. Friends of my ‘mother’ here in Madrid keep dying, now as old people– I think about my parents and, still even more, about my grandparents. No one has promised us tomorrow, nor the next second/moment. I don’t scare myself for me. I scare myself for the world. I don’t like thinking about the future nor in the past–both scare me. I don’t speak a lot about either of these two, but today something has made me think. Thoughts I have not invited enter in and I allow them to take me for a walk (something I don’t usually do). Something that scares me. All of this is very curious. Maybe it’s not a bad thing leaving the present to travel to the future or walk through the past. Maybe this is something I need to do from time to time.– These trips through the past and into the future have ended badly in the past but now I see that I did not travel in an adequate way. I didn’t want to travel. Now it’s not that I don’t want, it is also not that I want. If part of me wants to travel we will travel. 20-Nov-2013 2:27a.m — We will see where this journey takes me.